Review #1

Today, I am going to review something. The subject is.. well let's see if you can guess. If you're thinking the Twilight saga, then you're wrong. If you guessed Justin Beiber, well, you're wrong again. If you think it's about the crazy theory of Lady Gaga being a hermaphrodite.. you're wrong and need your head examined. This is about the live action Resident Evil movies. I'm not going into great detail though (don't need them too long).

Resident Evil - You watch it and notice it shows the Umbrella Corporation and the mansion, thinking it's going to be great. After the scenes of "The Hive" going homicidal, they cut to a closeup of someone sleeping. At this moment, you're thinking "Oh, maybe it's Jill Valentine!"; possibly "Please tell me it's Claire Redfield."; or even "Hmm.. Rebecca Chambers?" and you get excited. You quickly get disappointed as the camera zooms out to a woman named Alice. My exact thoughts were "Hey, a naked woman!... wait a minute. Who the fuck is this?" I was disappointed it wasn't any real RE character. So, you sit through the movie, and then just when you're getting bored they FINALLY introduce a zombie! Fuck yeah! The movie goes on, showing well known creatures: zombie humans, zombie dogs, and the "Licker". But still no well known RE character.. what a shame. All in all, it was okay, but they could have done a lot better.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse - Okay, this one made me smile a little. Jill Valentine is in it! Yaaayy!! It was decent, and I liked the fact they show Raccoon City, but the movie still kind of sucked. They should have left out Mike Epps though. I don't hate the guy, I just think his comedy should not be in Resident Evil. One thing that pissed me off was they gave Alice super natural powers. Come on! Seriously!? The only character with those powers should be Albert Wesker. For fucks sake! What were they thinking? Ugh, idiots. That's when I truly realized the live action series was going downhill faster than a cheetah running while shooting diarrhea out its ass. They did show a well known creature though. Nemesis! Remember him from the RE 3 game? STAAAAAARSS!!! I hate that fucker. Walking down a hallway in the R.P.D. building, trying to do something, and the bastard jumps through the wall! I named him "Herpes" because he keeps coming back. Anyway, back to the movie. He chases after Alice a lot, but isn't he supposed to only attack S.T.A.R.S. members? What the fuck ever, I gave up on the movie a long time ago. So yeah, it sucked more than the first. NEXT!

Resident Evil: Extinction - Holy fucking shit! Why?.. Why are they trying to ruin something good? Claire Redfield is in it, BUT she's supposed to be some kind of "bad ass bitch" instead of the sweet and nice, but awesome, Claire that die hard RE fans know. No Chris Redfield, and no Leon Kennedy (whom I was expecting to see). Oh, and guess what? Alice's powers are much stronger now. My god, why did I even bother watching this? You know what? I'm skipping this one. It's a piece of fucking shit. "Domesticating" zombies!? I think they stole that from the ending to Shaun Of The Dead. Alright, fuck this movie. The ONLY thing they did good was getting the actor for Albert Wesker.

Resident Evil: Afterlife - Haven't seen it.. not going to see it.. and I don't fucking care. They fucked up Wesker in this one. The best villain ever, and they fuck him up. I wonder what kind of powers Alice has in this one? Maybe she shoots a Big Bang Kamehameha wave out of her vagina. Or maybe she can make people defecate just by winking at them. Fuck it, I don't care. I know it's going to suck more balls than Apocalypse and Extinction combined.

If you want to see something new, that's fine. Just don't think of this as the Resident Evil (game series) that has millions of fans. Pretend it's not supposed to be a live action RE movie. If you want to see a good RE movie, go watch/buy Resident Evil: Degeneration. It's not live action, but it is CGI, so that's pretty neat. Yes, they got the actual voice actors for Leon and Claire.

I hope you enjoyed this review, and please leave some comments.